Question 14: Where is the single worst place in the United States?

Countless places in the running for this one, ranging from this place, to this place, to this place, all of which suck.

Additional options include:

• The drunk tank at Oakland Stadium, although that's generally based on hearsay.
• Certain exercise bicycle seats.
• In a Reliant K car on the NY Thruway immediately following a PEW dispersal.

Answer: Despite all the viable contenders, I didn't have an instant of doubt - the unquestionable single worst place in the United States is the El Camino Real Motel in Palo Alto, California. Unfortunately there are no available photos, or even a weblink to this cursed place - no doubt because no marketing is actually better marketing for this place. The bleakest of the bleak, the ultimate morale killer, the festivity terminator, the ECRM is bad news. Having spent a night there myself, ready to do some drinking and have some fun, our decidedly vile hotel room managed to drain the life out of us. Ultimately it proved more enjoyable to simply go to sleep early, in an effort to correspondingly wake up early and check out ASAP.

Note: We were forced to stay at the ECRM on the dreaded night in question because everything was booked from San Francisco all the way south to Palo Alto. This ill-fated motel quest was similar to a journey I'd do four summers later, when Kavet and I failed to find a hotel room anywhere in Virginia. Ultimately we found a room, at a hotel far superior to the ECRM, albeit grossly out of the way.

Enjoy.................G

Question 13: Is "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit and on that slitted sheet I sit" the hardest tongue-twister ever?

A very spiritual question, and one for which the universe has long sought an answer. While tongue-twisters may seem like an anachronism in this day and age, what with iPods and internet porn readily available to occupy society's free time, they do surface on occasion, seemingly refusing to die.

To that end, the tongue-twister in question is either a true test of one's verbal talents, or perhaps it's merely used to showcase one's movie quoting prowess.


Answer: While a very relaxed Navin R. Johnson managed to nail this tongue-twister while lying in bed with a blissfully asleep Marie Kimball, the surprising fact is that this is not the hardest tongue-twister ever. Difficult? Absolutely. Hardest ever? Nope.

Note: Some people apparently take rating tongue-twisters very seriously.

Enjoy.........................................G

Question 12: Why bother?

Seems pretty obvious to me.

Answer: Because there's always the chance you might annoy people in the process.

Enjoy.....................G

Question 11: What do you suppose geologists think of the Grand Canyon?

The Grand Canyon, one of nature's greatest miracles and unquestionably one of the most amazing natural spectacles in all of the United States. However, it's also a menace to clean pants everywhere.


Answer: Geologists are into all kinds of things, and there's little doubt that they go to the Grand Canyon to jerk off. This is their Crazy Horse Too, their Fenway Park, their Playboy Mansion—places not to be missed, and thoroughly savored when finally there. To geologists, gazing into the abyss of the Grand Canyon is akin to gazing into the parted thighs of a nubile 18-year-old cheerleader. However, for the rest of us, the Grand Canyon presents its own unique problem…

Note: It has been said that sight of the Grand Canyon is so amazing that upon seeing it, you'll crap your pants. Consider yourself warned.

Enjoy...................G

Question 10: Is it Ok to check yourself out in a car mirror?

The beloved activity of self-examination in a car mirror.

Some find it vital, some find it annoying and some find it's best done while wearing a tiara. Car mirrors are generally helpful to navigate safely in traffic, although on occasion the mirrors have a way of getting people into trouble.

Answer: Naturally I have my own opinion on this one, and it's divided based on gender. If you're a woman, it's perfectly acceptable to review your makeup in the makeup mirror prior to exiting the vehicle. However, it is entirely unnecessary to continuously examine yourself while in transit. One quick review at the end is all that's needed. Men on the other hand, should only use the makeup mirror in the rarest of occasions, and only then to inspect recently received injuries. All of that said, it's entirely annoying and unacceptable for the passenger to adjust the passenger side exterior mirror to enable self-inspection while moving. This is trade of egomaniacs, pretty-boys and the like, and is never a good thing. The lone upside to people like this is that perhaps one of his/her suitemates owns a Fuck-Me-Demon-Bitch machine.

Note: Objects in the rear view mirror maybe douchier than they appear.

Enjoy...............G

Question 9: Are you still running every day and what's the most trendy high-end Men's Clothing store in the Hamptons?

Johnny C asks the above question, which is obviously important as summer draws near and we all need fancy new duds for both babe attraction and muscle flaunting. By muscle, of course, I'm not referring to Rugged's friend Russell, rather the real thing.

Answer (part 1): I'm more walking very fast (as opposed to running) these days, and I'm averaging between six and seven days each week. Saturday I did 5.76 miles in roughly 70 minutes. Haven't gone out yet today, which needs to happen to work off last night's decadence. Amazingly I'm down 14 pounds since March, although despite the weight loss, I have yet to develop flaunt-worthy muscles.

Answer (part 2):I called up Nadia, the Fashion Editor at Hampton's Magazine and she suggested I send her an email asking you question so she could delegate answering it to one of her minions. So I did, and I have yet to hear back. I sought out information other places, and was told that ScoopNYC is high-end and trendy, although it's a mini-chain that includes outposts in Vegas. Another trendy store is Harmot & Blaine, although that's limited to high-end beach & boat wear. Another viable candidate is Edward Archer, which is so trendy it doesn't even appear to have a website.

Enjoy....................G

Question 8: Why does this jacket not have any bids?

Great, now I'm an eBay analyst! Here's the jacket in question:


And here's the eBay auction in question. So with all that data available…

Answer: The auction has been live since Sunday, so it's been visible for quite some time. Despite that, and the presumption that numerous people have seen the listing, there are still no bids. Best I can figure as to why there are no bids, is people prefer THX branded jackets.

Enjoy..............................G

Question 7: How long would it take for Stavros to kill Lingo?

A tricky question to answer for numerous reasons, primarily the possibility that the correct question might well have asked how long it would take Stavros to kill Linguo. That written, all things Stavros are perpetually a mystery, so I'll go at this one a few different ways…


Answer 1: For Stavros to kill Linguo (the grammar robot) the only hope Stavros really has is time, seeing as there's little chance he could kill Linguo via grammar related means. If Stavros could wear Linguo's power reserves down to the point of decreased mobility, there's a chance he could enlist Appolonia to crush Linguo (if that even counts). To provide more depth to this answer, I've included a photo of Appolonia, taken on January 26, 1998, to give a sense of her crushing power.

It will come as little surprise that Appolonia did not make the casting cut for Stripsearch: Waikiki.

I'd conservatively estimate that for this sort of death, it would take Stavros roughly two years to kill off Linguo, and likely even longer in the event Appolonia lost weight and needs to reestablish her crushing mass. As an alternate means of killing Linguo, he could be fruit-flied to death, although the more probable scenario is dragging Linguo along to what we here at the Ask Gary Blog like to call "An Afternoon with the Sozas." Turns out that Linguo can't function well when contained inside areas shielded by tinfoil window coverings. This would lead to a exceptionally short death sequence, provided of course Ney wasn't responsible for getting either Stavros or Linguo to the Soza's in the first place.




Answer 2: On the off chance the question was written correctly, and is in fact referring to Lingo, the longest running game show on GSN, that will obviously require a far different tactic, although once again it all comes back to Ney. Why? Because Ney's former roommate (not Zach) is an executive at GSN. If Stavros has some sort of leverage (which is entirely plausible given the many Stavros related events that transpired at the Orange Grove house) than he might be able to wield that in an effort to force the former roommate to drop Lingo from the GSN schedule. All told, this could take six to nine months to enact.




Answer 3: Lastly, in the event the original question was regarding Stavros' ability to kill off Lingo, the programming scripting language used in Macromedia Director, my initial research suggests that Lingo is a formidable foe. Having existed in numerous incarnations and written by many software publishers, Lingo has taken on many forms ranging from a high level programming language for Windows, a Lisp based programming language for Recursiv CPUs, and shockingly enough, even a programming language for solving linear, nonlinear and integer optimization problems.

It's highly unlikely that Stavros could find a way to eradicate all these Lingo variations, this becomes increasingly true when you examine his current computing resources, a dated Mac PowerBook running Mac OS X 10.2. I suppose it's theoretically possible that Stavros could contract with some rogue programmers to create a global-Lingo-killing virus, which could take several years to write, and honestly, I just don't envision him having the focus to pull that off.

Enjoy.....................G

Question 6: Where did noobs get the meat joose?

This question is by far the most commonly asked question here at the Ask Gary Blog during our debut week. No idea why that is, and what's going on in popular culture that generated the critical mass behind this question going global (it was probably something that happened on Heroes), but whatever, here's the deal…

First, I must begin with some background letting all of you know who Noobs is. To clarify, despite any apparent resemblance (from the waist up I'd imagine) Noobs is not this guy, although I can understand your mistake. The accompanying photo was taken during Noobs' college years, allegedly for beer money, when he posed for a biology textbook for a meager $40.

A 1990 Syracuse grad and occasional incest dabbler, Noobs lived a storied life in the Boston suburb where he grew up. His exploits with Granny are the stuff of legend, and his interlude with his sister (just to see how it feels) may in fact be too graphic to describe on this mixed company blog, although I suppose it's far less graphic than what Noobs actually used the meat joose for. That brings us to our convoluted answer.

Answer: Two schools of thought on this one. First theory is that Noobs "wrang out" some old uncooked hamburger to procure the vital jooses. I find this one to be the most plausible explanation, as old hamburger does tend to desaturate the moisture that has built up in the meat tissue. An alternate camp believes that Noobs had the joose delivered by a local butcher, allegedly for taunting sharks in Boston Harbor. Since Noobs wasn't much of a boater (or shark taunter for that matter), this alternate theory is readily discredited.

Enjoy..................G

Question 5: what is the lamest thing anyone has ever done in human history?

A quick scan through history reveals a great many contenders in the lamest thing ever done in human history category. Highlights include a young man from Simsbury, CT claiming to have never jerked-off in high school, the invention of the "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt, anybody asking "friend or foe?" as a cordial greeting, or even buying sneakers from a bin at Lechmere.

Answer: In late 1998 Tim Clemmey & Willy Pollock entered a recording studio at the Crossgates Mall in Guilderland, NY and performed their cover version of the Rick Astley classic "Never Gonna Give You Up." Released solely on cassette during its initial release in 1988,the song was later re-released in both CD and MP3 format during a later popularity surge in 2000.

To clarify why this is so lame, in the event it isn't obvious enough, there are countless elements of this scenario to examine. First, why on earth would Clemmey, with a voice that bad, ever think going into a recording studio and singing a love song (with another man no less) could ever possibly be a good idea? As if that wasn't enough, the song selection itself is decidedly suspect. The song made its first appearance on a mix tape that Clemmey gave to a girl who was already putting out, and showed no signs of relinquishing that treat, so there was no need to placate her—not that this song even could.

Note: if you'd like to hear the song for yourself (NSFLA) you can listen to it via this link.

Enjoy...................G

Question 4: Who let the Dogs OUT...Who...Who...Who,,,Who?

Wow! I assumed this question was answered for everybody back in 2000, but apparently that's not the case. The Baha Men's question, posed in their song which ranked #15 on Maxim's list of Most Annoying Songs Ever, lingers far longer than anybody could've imagined.

Answer: This guy ->

Yes it's true, it was Herndog who let the dogs out. He did this intentionally while he down at Hedo II in Jamaica. Zach dared him to do it, after about a dozen Red Stripes, and Herndog didn't hold back - he just when for it. The next thing you know, the dogs were out doing their thing.

Immediately after that, Emma peed on Vlad in the pool.

Enjoy.................G

Question 3: WHY ARE YOU SO GAY?

Seems that despite my willingness to answer questions on all topics, people remain inclined to ask questions about me. While yes, I'm obviously most qualified to answer questions about myself, I have opinions and limited knowledge of the vast world beyond my own.

That said, before I answer this question, I must write that I find it decidedly suspect to get a question like this from somebody like this:



Answer: Guilt by association.

Note: I should clarify that my initial response to the question is that I'm not gay, so how could I possibly answer? Given my intention to answer all questions, I feel that I must answer this one despite its obvious inherent flaw.

Enjoy..................G

Question 2: What is the origin of the word Doppleganger?

Adam from Tujunga asked the blog's first etymological question, and you know what, I really appreciate this question. Why? Because god knows there are likely dozens of sources for this information elsewhere on the web, but Adam of Tujunga chose to ask the question here.


Answer: Turns out that doppelgänger is a German word (who saw that coming?) meaning "double goer." Also called a "fetch" in the vernacular the word has come to mean a look-alike or evil twin as pictured above. Curiously doppelgängers are often believed to be harbingers of bad luck (link NSFCV).

Enjoy.................G

Question 1: WHEEEEEERRRREEEE'SSSSS GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY?

Surprising how many people have been asking this question over the past six months, but I suppose questions, like hairstyles, move in and out of fashion. Equally unexpected is that the first question I'm asked here on this blog would be about me, but I'll just let that one slide.

Answer: I'm precisely where I've been for the past 363 days: sitting in my office working on my as-yet untitled book and trying to gain closure on the multitude of other projects that float in and out of my life.

Note: While I certainly get a good laugh whenever I hear this question, I certainly don't enjoy answering it. However, as is the point of the blog, you ask, and I answer — regardless of whatever the question might be.

Enjoy.................G